F*k U

I Never Understood why as a child I was always by myself in daycare and grade school
Then I Realized that I never like the students that were around me
They were all into what everyone else had and I was more on the level of .... Doing ME iGuess
Throughout grade school I always had one friend as a best friend
I never hung out with a bunch of females I always tried to stay to myself.
To me I always thought females were like ANTS they always running around trying to find the next person to bite.
I seen so many of my classmates get stabbed in the back by a so-called friend so I said said Fuck 'em I never needed them! Everything I needed was at home.
But when I realized how selective I was about Females I was Extremely picky about the males I kept in my company.
---My 1st boyfriend was a thug trying to live the fast life and I was only in the 6th grade so I didn't know any better that he was no good. I stood by him all the way up to my 8th grade,,,I left him because he was craving for a kid -&& I was only 15 that nigga had to go! =\ Now his 21 with two kids by 2 different females and all of the sudden he wants to go back to college.

after him I decided I my next boyfriend who be nothing like him.....

Now I see myself searching for something that I realize that I do not need.
I spend many nights alone and at times I get bothered by it but in actuality
I'm comfortable being single!
-&& to all the females and males trying to live my life I send a simple FUCK YOU ♥

Willow Whip My Hair, Lil Wayne, Chris Brown & More

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I Want To Kiss You But That Would Only Complicate Things

Touch Your Face & Look In Your Eyes & Tell You My Secrets 

Be The Face You Awake To & The Face You 

Fall Asleep To At Night ♥ 

Lay In Bed All Morning On Saturdays & Play Child Like Love Games 

Never Growing Old In Each Others Eyes & Spending so Much Time 

Brush Your Hair After a Hair Cut and Kiss Your Neck & Tell You I Love You! 

Trusting You When I Feel Alone ... Because You Would Be My Other Half 

Taking Pointless Trips To Keep The Excitement 

Seeing The World With You & Loving Every Minute 

Spending a day without you & missing you like crazy

Even When Your Away I want to Still Be Able to Smell Your Cologne ... You Always Wear My Favorite 

If Only I could I Kiss You ... But It Would Only Complicate Things .... Only Complicate Things 

His Shoes Will Never Be Filled

I remember when I Fell In Love With Michael Jackson
I was like in the 5th Grade and Rush Hour 2 Came Out
&& Michael was dropping his album around the same time of the premiere of the Movie
His video You Rocked My World was everywhere
I would record it on VHS and rewind and watch it over and over again
I begged my mom for his CD I mean BEGGED!
For Christmas my mom bought me madd CDs I Mean a lot
But My Number one favorite was
Michael Jackson Invisible ... <3 I played that CD over and over
I was young and most of Michael prime years was when my mother was young !!!
But I loved this guy music and I Always Will
I ♥ MJ & I will Always Love His Music =)
I Listen to his music not just today but at least 3Xs a week =)
My Favorite Song of his is SPEECHLESS and my Favorite video is REMEMBER THE TIME
I Miss You Mike <3

No Title

Sometimes Music is what allow Let My Mind to Escape 
A Good Adele song takes my there =) 

Wondering

Today I wanted to cry so bad when I was in Pizza Hut
The man that I always wanted to be with since day one Hurt me!
For 3 1/2 years I've been off and on with this guy ......

I stared out the window and watched the cars go by and I just wanted to cry and let the tears flow
But I remember tears are a sign of weakness and Elvria is not weak at all!
So I kept my tears inside and told him how me has been making feel and he told me what he thought and how he felt about the situation
The moment he opened his mouth I realized He Does Not Want To Be in a relationship with me
He is here because he Loves me but he does not want to be with me
See You can Love someone with all your heart doesnt mean you want to be in a relationship with them.
We sat in silence only time we spoke was when the waiter came by our table and ask'd questions and even then I wanted to scream out for hug or a gentle kiss on my forehead to reassure me my feeling at that moment were a lies .... and that he really does want to be with me.
Every time I opened my mouth that never happened ... I just wanted to cry more than I did when my mouth was closed
Then I realized and thought all my flings have moved on from me and so has he.
They all have something new and I have nothing at all
At the end of the day I realize that I need no other man all I need is myself
&& With myself I will be happy!
But for today I just want to cry n sleep
In the morning I'll be fine! Love is a crazy thing and if you use it right you'll be happy
Abuse Love and you'll be hurt!

Perfect Showers

You know how you take them good good showers! The ones when you get in there you just wanna stay 
That was the type of shower I was taking tonight ..... with all the noise during the day ..... quiet showers at night are the best 
So while I'm in the shower I started thinking           What Am I Good At?! 
I mean I'm 19 years old and I have No Hobbies or Talents ........... [[SAD]] 
So I made a mental Checklist: 

•  Singing .......... [[Uh maybe when I was little but I lost that voice over the years]] 
• I do not know how to play a instrument    [[Not even the flute or drums]] My mom bought me a keyboard for Xmas one year ....... its sitting in the closet collecting dust #Fail 
• Then  I begged for a sewing machine the next year because I want to be a fashion designer ..... [[Sigh]] I took the sewing machine out the box probably ten times with 5 years IDK even know where the sewing machine is right now 
• Over the summer when I went to my dads house I thought that maybe I might enjoy working out ((Since he has a mini weight room)) #Fail Woke up early one morning and never did it again 
• HS I barely played sports .... I'm a tall girl so I tired out for the basketball team wondering if maybe it was fit for me ....... WRONG another fail I couldn't even make a shot from the _______ line idk wht its called lol 
• So in the spring I ran track and at first I ran because I thought I might enjoy running [[ I see white ppl running all the time and I wanted to see if I'll enjoy it as much as they do lol]] Running was ok ..... I liked it took my mind off of things but It still wasnt for me =( 
• Not the best cook either mom left one weekend I was in charge for the cooking that was the biggest fail of my life Annie (sister) wanted Burger King instead of my food =( 

Then I realize I Fucking Suck Yo! I have no Hobbies no hidden talent I mean what can I give back? Seriously There is nothing that I can give back or just enjoy! Maybe I should take this summer and think about What Are My True Hobbies .................... Because I 

                                                                                         SUCK 

When I'm Alone

I daydream sooo Much it doesn't even make sense 

I have so many thoughts about my past, present and future 

How my life has changed so much & I am so happy that it has changed 

In grade school I wasn't what the boys called the Pretty Girl 

Brown Skin Tall Girl ........ I always hid my legs because I was ashamed of my scars 

Awkward because of my height && finding clothes was always the hardest for me 

&& Now its like the ugly duckling I use to be is Beautiful beyond words in my mind 

Finding a guy these days isn't so hard anymore .......... 

When I'm Alone I daydream about my 1st Love 

All of my closest friends know his name =) I daydream of my 1st kiss with him 

It was on a Thursday and its was dark outside He walked to my house He only lived up the street ...... Just when he was about to leave I walked him to the door and stood on the porch We hugged and then my lips met his and he kissed me...... for some reason we wasn't on the porch we begun to kiss && it was raining that night too [[Sigh]] hair getting wet and all with no shoes on! Oh Yeah it was a little chilly too .... You know that Late October Weather [[Smirk]]

Its something I always daydream about because then a Kiss was so innocent you know  ...... no harm done! I been through so much with that boy who is now a man and a father. 
Sometimes I wonder if I would of stayed and been stupid would I have been his baby mother 
Then Reality snaps back in & I realize that I was wayyyyy to smart for stupid decisions  

When I'm Alone I daydream about my actions 

I have noticed within my time being at home how when I feel myself getting close to someone I push away and start fights for no reason. 
Its like I force them to lose interest in me && in the back of my mind thats exactly what I want 
No one I feel like can meet my expectations when it comes to pleasing me and I feel like no one ever will 
I know how complicated I am && how at times I can turn into a major BITCH but when I find a man who can deal with all of that He'll become my husband! =) <3  

Refuge Nights

Since I've been home I've been crashing in my mothers house in this small room. Where during the day I spend a lot of time. Tonight out of all night I came across this perfume I bought from Charlotte Russe 
Soon as the scent hit my nose... flashbacks of tears and cold dark nights I walked by myself 
He will never know the damage that he caused because he needed the to have a name. 
The scent of him still lingers around my head and in my mind because he left such a scar. 
Never in my life have I ever been treated in such a way.....
It only lasted a couple of months then it faded it away... the interest was lost but the scar still remained. 
The Night I walked back to my place of residence alone tears streaming from my face....
Only person name I could think of was a person I took for regretted and left. 
He protected me and would never allow harm to come my way. 
He loved me for me and never lied or cheated 
But I was selfish and wanted more than he was already giving 
Sometimes I wish that I never looked at you 
Held conversation or even said Hello w/ a smile
Wish I never exchanged numbers 
Wish I Never agreed to that 1st walk
Because these bad memories follow the scent from 




Refuge Nights 

Memeories

Today is Mother's Day && yesterday I took my mom to get her toes done 
While I was receiving a pedicure as well I realize how much this lady really loves me 
Since I was a little girl she would always try her hardest to give me what I wanted
I was an only child for about five years before [[Annie]] came along "I Love my little Sister" 
As a little girl I remember the walks to the pizza place or the Chinese Store....back then in Philadelphia transportation wasn't a B I G deal. 
The walks from the grocery store and how I always had to carry the bread and didn't want to.... lol 
So I would tell my mom how heavy the bag was so I wouldn't have to carry the ONE LOAF of bread 
=) Those were the days, The times I would beg my mom for a dollar to get Ice Cream from the Ice cream truck then complain when I didn't eat the Ice Cream quick enough and started to melt down my arm...lol =) Those times were the stories my mother tells my friends of how prissy I was.....  I was sooo young and never realize how much my mother was working hard for me, to provide the things she did provide for me.
It was always just me and her....

Un-Thinkable

Afraid to Love and to Live 

Always self-conscience of action

Rude and Funny 

Loving and Understanding but needy 

The looks that live in the eyes are the ones no one ever sees 

Living is more than what it seems, the need of belong is more of the job 

Kisses and hugs are like commitments and SEX is a marriage

Damage so many times and lied to is a death sentence in the book of Romance 

Craving the day when everything said would be believable 

Lies would not be told and the truth would be somewhere near the surface of the heart 

Faithful should not be the cause of Trustworthy 

These words should be the bond that holds the pieces together

I always Love fast and live slow!

Maybe I will see the day that I will be LOVED back 

I have everything I need

Just maybe the things I want would be the things I do not need 

I love Easy and Live life soooooo Slow! 

Ah ha ha Maybe one day I'll realize that I don't need Love! 

Love is now Dead in my book until I am LOVED 1st.......