Perfect Showers

You know how you take them good good showers! The ones when you get in there you just wanna stay 
That was the type of shower I was taking tonight ..... with all the noise during the day ..... quiet showers at night are the best 
So while I'm in the shower I started thinking           What Am I Good At?! 
I mean I'm 19 years old and I have No Hobbies or Talents ........... [[SAD]] 
So I made a mental Checklist: 

•  Singing .......... [[Uh maybe when I was little but I lost that voice over the years]] 
• I do not know how to play a instrument    [[Not even the flute or drums]] My mom bought me a keyboard for Xmas one year ....... its sitting in the closet collecting dust #Fail 
• Then  I begged for a sewing machine the next year because I want to be a fashion designer ..... [[Sigh]] I took the sewing machine out the box probably ten times with 5 years IDK even know where the sewing machine is right now 
• Over the summer when I went to my dads house I thought that maybe I might enjoy working out ((Since he has a mini weight room)) #Fail Woke up early one morning and never did it again 
• HS I barely played sports .... I'm a tall girl so I tired out for the basketball team wondering if maybe it was fit for me ....... WRONG another fail I couldn't even make a shot from the _______ line idk wht its called lol 
• So in the spring I ran track and at first I ran because I thought I might enjoy running [[ I see white ppl running all the time and I wanted to see if I'll enjoy it as much as they do lol]] Running was ok ..... I liked it took my mind off of things but It still wasnt for me =( 
• Not the best cook either mom left one weekend I was in charge for the cooking that was the biggest fail of my life Annie (sister) wanted Burger King instead of my food =( 

Then I realize I Fucking Suck Yo! I have no Hobbies no hidden talent I mean what can I give back? Seriously There is nothing that I can give back or just enjoy! Maybe I should take this summer and think about What Are My True Hobbies .................... Because I 

                                                                                         SUCK 

When I'm Alone

I daydream sooo Much it doesn't even make sense 

I have so many thoughts about my past, present and future 

How my life has changed so much & I am so happy that it has changed 

In grade school I wasn't what the boys called the Pretty Girl 

Brown Skin Tall Girl ........ I always hid my legs because I was ashamed of my scars 

Awkward because of my height && finding clothes was always the hardest for me 

&& Now its like the ugly duckling I use to be is Beautiful beyond words in my mind 

Finding a guy these days isn't so hard anymore .......... 

When I'm Alone I daydream about my 1st Love 

All of my closest friends know his name =) I daydream of my 1st kiss with him 

It was on a Thursday and its was dark outside He walked to my house He only lived up the street ...... Just when he was about to leave I walked him to the door and stood on the porch We hugged and then my lips met his and he kissed me...... for some reason we wasn't on the porch we begun to kiss && it was raining that night too [[Sigh]] hair getting wet and all with no shoes on! Oh Yeah it was a little chilly too .... You know that Late October Weather [[Smirk]]

Its something I always daydream about because then a Kiss was so innocent you know  ...... no harm done! I been through so much with that boy who is now a man and a father. 
Sometimes I wonder if I would of stayed and been stupid would I have been his baby mother 
Then Reality snaps back in & I realize that I was wayyyyy to smart for stupid decisions  

When I'm Alone I daydream about my actions 

I have noticed within my time being at home how when I feel myself getting close to someone I push away and start fights for no reason. 
Its like I force them to lose interest in me && in the back of my mind thats exactly what I want 
No one I feel like can meet my expectations when it comes to pleasing me and I feel like no one ever will 
I know how complicated I am && how at times I can turn into a major BITCH but when I find a man who can deal with all of that He'll become my husband! =) <3  

Refuge Nights

Since I've been home I've been crashing in my mothers house in this small room. Where during the day I spend a lot of time. Tonight out of all night I came across this perfume I bought from Charlotte Russe 
Soon as the scent hit my nose... flashbacks of tears and cold dark nights I walked by myself 
He will never know the damage that he caused because he needed the to have a name. 
The scent of him still lingers around my head and in my mind because he left such a scar. 
Never in my life have I ever been treated in such a way.....
It only lasted a couple of months then it faded it away... the interest was lost but the scar still remained. 
The Night I walked back to my place of residence alone tears streaming from my face....
Only person name I could think of was a person I took for regretted and left. 
He protected me and would never allow harm to come my way. 
He loved me for me and never lied or cheated 
But I was selfish and wanted more than he was already giving 
Sometimes I wish that I never looked at you 
Held conversation or even said Hello w/ a smile
Wish I never exchanged numbers 
Wish I Never agreed to that 1st walk
Because these bad memories follow the scent from 




Refuge Nights 

Memeories

Today is Mother's Day && yesterday I took my mom to get her toes done 
While I was receiving a pedicure as well I realize how much this lady really loves me 
Since I was a little girl she would always try her hardest to give me what I wanted
I was an only child for about five years before [[Annie]] came along "I Love my little Sister" 
As a little girl I remember the walks to the pizza place or the Chinese Store....back then in Philadelphia transportation wasn't a B I G deal. 
The walks from the grocery store and how I always had to carry the bread and didn't want to.... lol 
So I would tell my mom how heavy the bag was so I wouldn't have to carry the ONE LOAF of bread 
=) Those were the days, The times I would beg my mom for a dollar to get Ice Cream from the Ice cream truck then complain when I didn't eat the Ice Cream quick enough and started to melt down my arm...lol =) Those times were the stories my mother tells my friends of how prissy I was.....  I was sooo young and never realize how much my mother was working hard for me, to provide the things she did provide for me.
It was always just me and her....

Un-Thinkable

Afraid to Love and to Live 

Always self-conscience of action

Rude and Funny 

Loving and Understanding but needy 

The looks that live in the eyes are the ones no one ever sees 

Living is more than what it seems, the need of belong is more of the job 

Kisses and hugs are like commitments and SEX is a marriage

Damage so many times and lied to is a death sentence in the book of Romance 

Craving the day when everything said would be believable 

Lies would not be told and the truth would be somewhere near the surface of the heart 

Faithful should not be the cause of Trustworthy 

These words should be the bond that holds the pieces together

I always Love fast and live slow!

Maybe I will see the day that I will be LOVED back 

I have everything I need

Just maybe the things I want would be the things I do not need 

I love Easy and Live life soooooo Slow! 

Ah ha ha Maybe one day I'll realize that I don't need Love! 

Love is now Dead in my book until I am LOVED 1st.......